Parenting a Child with BIG, Tricky Behaviours?
Parenting a Child with Big, Tricky Behaviours? Tips for Navigating Emotional Challenges
Here are 10 things you need to know.
ONE.
Forget rewards and punishments - what’s actually going to help is getting to the root cause.
I love the quote from Bishop Desmond Tutu, that says
”There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they're falling in.” The same concept applies to behaviour. Before we can meaningfully change it, we need to understand the underlying cause(s).
No child wants to behave in tricky ways, or to feel out of control. In fact, human beings are wired for connection, and to seek out the acceptance of their caregivers (when they’re young, their literal survival depends on it!). Rather than being intentional disobedience or defiance, challenging behaviours often stem from unmet needs, or a lack of ability to behave in a more adaptive way.
TWO.
When we change how we see people, the people we see change.
When we come to recognise behaviours for what they are - communication about underlying anxiety, emotional distress, unfulfilled needs, sensory overwhelm, or a call for connection - we can truly come to understand how to best respond in a way that’s going to serve the need, and ultimately, make the behavioural expression redundant.
THREE.
Attachment influences everything.
The importance of attachment and the parent-child relationship cannot be overstated, and is foundational when it comes to addressing challenging behaviours. Trauma specialist and best-selling author Dr. Bessel van der Kolk said it best: “The parent-child connection is the most powerful mental health intervention known to mankind”. While we may be driven to teach our kiddos, what they really need first is connection.
FOUR.
Emotional Regulation is a skill we can practice.
Like other skills, it’s also one that may need to be explicitly taught and put into play. Both parents and their children can benefit from learning and using mindfulness, breathing techniques and sensory aides. Perhaps most powerful of all however, is connection with an attuned, regulated caregiver.
FIVE.
A Collaborative Approach is Key.
American Psychologist Dr. Ross Greene's Collaborative and proactive Solutions (CPS) approach has been highly influential in both my work and personal life, & I’m not alone! Across the world, his unique approach to understanding and supporting children and teens who present with the most challenging of behaviours is gaining momentum in educational and therapeutic settings. His model emphasises the importance of involving the child in problem-solving and fostering a collaborative, rather than authoritarian dynamic.
SIX.
You may need to check your expectations.
When it comes to behaviour and expectations, it is critical that parents and caregivers set realistic expectations based on their child’s developmental stage and capabilities. Just because another child their age is capable of something, doesn’t mean your child will be. Every individual is unique in their development, and meeting your child where they are at is key.
SEVEN.
As clichéd as it sounds, it really does take a village (& you may need to build yours).
Raising a child with behavioural support needs can be isolating and exhausting, but you don’t need to do it alone. Connect with individuals who can support you, your child and your family. This may include other parents who understand the challenges you face, and professionals like your Paediatrician, & Allied Health therapists like Psychologists, Speech Therapists and Occupational Therapists. Each will bring a unique perspective and set of skills to offer, it’s your job to cherry-pick what is best for your family and child.
EIGHT.
You hold the privileged position of being your child’s advocate.
Apart from the child themselves, there is likely no one who knows them, and understands their needs better, than you. This places you in a unique position to advocate for them, both in educational settings and therapy sessions. If that feels daunting to you, know that this is completely normal. Speak, even if your voice shakes, and before long, it will feel a lot easier.
NINE.
Flowers bloom when planted in environments that suit their needs. Children are no different!
Creating and fostering a supportive environment for your child both at home, school and in the broader community is akin to sunlight, water and regular care that we give to our plants, and will help them to bloom.
TEN.
As a parent/ caregiver, you don’t need to have ALL THE ANSWERS, you just need to know where to look.
Be careful! The internet and social media will trick you into believing that you should intuitively know how to be a play therapist/ nutrition expert/ speech pathologist/ NDIS Coordinator etc etc. but it simply isn’t true (or possible!).
You do not need to have all the answers, you simply need to be committed to finding them.
I’d love to hear what you take away from this information.
Feel free to pop me an email or reach out via DM on Instagram.